Yep, it’s been a long time since I felt compelled to pull this up and write.  But something happened yesterday that dragged up memories, both painful and good.  I got back on the Lenovo computer after neglecting it for over two years.  This means that I also opened files of pictures and letters that I haven’t thought of for as long.  I truly haven’t been able to look at the pictures, but I did open up a few letters I wrote to you.  After two years, I am reading them with an entirely new state of mind.  And I am embarrassed.  Embarrassed that I was so gullible and naive.  Embarrassed that I couldn’t see the obvious, even when I was the one writing and pointing them all out.  Embarrassed that I lacked the inner strength to run when every indicator was clearly in front of me. Embarrassed at what I put my family through.

I found the following letter to you, dated two years before you died.  I remember the time well.  I had left you after a terrifying evening of accusations and lies.  I asked for help from Ryan and Wendy, who had seen the signs and admitted that they had long feared for my safety.  They helped me leave you.  Immediately.  Of course, I went back to you several weeks later and you and I went to counselor number two.  I was hoping that Lewis would help me get away from you, you were expecting Lewis to convince me that I was a troubled soul who needed to be rescued. You were hoping that Lewis would get me to move to Florida with you.  I saw this and tried to write you a response.  Do you remember when I wrote this?

Dear Scott,

I wanted to write this out by hand, but I can type so much faster than I can write, which will hopefully, enable me to get my thoughts out.  This is soooo hard.  I never thought it would be easy, but I didn’t think it would be this hard.  Thought I could get lost in my work and not think about it.  So wrong.

Anyway, it’s Tuesday and we are supposed to meet tonight with Lewis.  I’m not ready to do that.  I need more time.  Please go to Lewis without me.  Right now, I am operating totally on emotions, and that’s hard for me.  You know I’m a logical, concrete, reasoning person.  When I operate solely on emotions, I make bad decisions.  I can’t afford this right now.

I must admit that you continued asking, “Do you just want to be done?” really rattled me.  You know me better than I know myself and I think you always knew that I was conflicted.  And I am conflicted.  When I am with you, I feel both protected and smothered. At first, your protection and attention was just what this wounded bird needed. You gave me a safe place to land.  You made it easy for me to stay in the nest…being joined at the hip was a welcome change from being isolated.

As the years progressed, I began to resent what I felt was you becoming overprotective.  Instead of encouraging and celebrating my confidence, I felt like you were threatened.  I felt like the circle closed in on me.  I couldn’t see my children, my parents, or even my friends without an argument and a reminder that I didn’t “do” the divorce right.  Yes, I hid many things from my children and family, but I did it because I truly believed at the time that it was the best thing for them.  We don’t always make the best decisions, but my intent was good.

  I saw the pain in their eyes when I said your name.  I felt the pain in their hearts when I couldn’t spend the holidays with them because I chose you.  You said, “The children won.”  I told you once that I would never compromise when it came to my children.  Yet, I did.  Over and over again.  I despise that part of me.  It’s time for me to rebuild my relationship with my children.  Failure to do so would impact my personal legacy and compromise the very foundation of my beliefs.  

Yet I love you.  And I miss you.  And I am scared of a life without you.   But I am also taking those first steps out of the nest (back to the wounded bird analogy!)  I’m not a WHOLE, COMPLETE person right now.  This is critical for me to move forward in our relationship, or in any relationship. I need time on my own.  There is no one “in the wings”  (another bird analogy…getting as bad as wheel analogies!)  Maybe it’s truly KIM in the wings? 

I can’t be the joined-at-the-hip person you want.  I never meant to deceive you with the kind of relationship I wanted.  I truly thought that the kind of relationship you described is what I wanted/needed.  I don’t think I can be that person and it’s not fair for me to ask you to wait until I figure that out. 

OK…I need to stop now for a while.  More will come as I work my way through this.  As I put your things in boxes, more of ME emerges.  That doesn’t mean that you are the cause or the blame…rather, it means that you are the one who taught me the importance of being myself.  Please support me in this growth, even if it comes at the expense of the future you envisioned.  I want you to look at KIM a year from now and smile when you see the person I have become.  I want to look at SCOTT a year from now and smile at the person you have become.  You are growing through this, too.  You are becoming stronger and more powerful.  You are an amazing person.  Never let anyone tell you otherwise. 

I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if you would have honored my request and let me go.  Would you still be alive?  Would you have stayed in Florida?  Shortly after this letter was written, you left and I moved to my townhouse.  As I reflect back on my state of mind, I remember thinking that you were never coming back and that I was going to finally be able to live my life in peace.  What made you turn around and come back?  What made you want to be with me again? Especially given the accusations you have made over the years?  Another letter I wrote was actually a list of those accusations.  I remember writing it because I thought I was losing my mind.  How can one person be this wrong all the time?  Read below in case you need to refresh your memory.  When I presented this to you, couldn’t you see how illogical you were?

10/31/15  Angry when he couldn’t enter code into Amazon.  Wanted me to pay attention to him and “help.”  Said I was a terrible multi-tasker because I was reading USA Today on my phone.  Escalated dialogue, ended up bringing up accusations of lying.  Wanted me to admit that I stared at Al’s crotch and said “Nice ass.” Wanted me to admit that I told his brother I wasn’t going to Florida.  Told him I wasn’t going to admit to something I didn’t do.  Escalated discussion.  Loud voice, intimidating stance (standing over me.)  Told him to take three steps back, repeated this three times.  Went to bed with Toby.  Scott slept on couch.

Strange Accusations related to his brother:  I was holding hands and playing footsie with his brother under the table at the Hollywood Complex.  I “look” at his brother.  I give him too long hugs.  Said his brother was involved in a three-way with his ex wife Deb.  Has a grainy photograph that he insists is proof.  (Never confronted his brother about any of this.)  Said brother is involved in drugs and has a hidden juvenile record.  Said his brother drugged him the last time he was at the farm.  Insists that he went to a doctor the next day for a blood test and the test came back positive.  Refuses to show me proof.  Didn’t mention this to his brother either.

Strange Accusations related to Kim/Greg:  Greg grabs my boobs, and I “do nothing.” I enjoy his attention.  Greg and I are having a fling on the side.  Greg showed up at church because he didn’t think Scott was going to be there. Greg’s comments on facebook are all related to his ongoing inappropriate crush on me. 

Strange Accusations related to Kim/Paul: Paul was serious when he said that I could come around sometime and not bring Scott. 

  Strange Accusations related to Jan/Al: Al has a thing about me.  We are having an affair. Al asked if Scott was going out of town for his new business adventure only to find out when he could come over to the house to see me.  I walked behind Al and stared at his ass.  Al made sexually suggestive gestures towards me.  We look at each other when we think Scott isn’t looking.

And then there was this document.  Remember that you had written me a letter.  It was odd and rambling and I didn’t even know where to start addressing it, so I literally broke it down line by line.  I wish I remembered how you responded.  Clearly, you didn’t respond the way I had hoped because nothing changed.  

Communication:  What you hear…What I mean…

Your Words:           My Response

I don’t talk right	I do get confused by your questioning strategies.  I use the phrase, “You talk in circles” often.  I’m not sure how to work around this. I think you jump to conclusions too early and then refuse to back off from your position.
I lie,	Yesterday, I did accuse you of lying.  Looking at the facts only reinforces this. Your appointment with Sandy was set for 2:00 – 2:30 on Friday on your calendar. You never mentioned to me that you had an appointment.  You didn’t ask me to go to the store with you.  You called me at 2:30 (the end of the appointment) and told me that you ran into Sandy at Target and that you might be stopping to see her if that was OK with me.  When I questioned the appointment, you said you had scheduled an appointment, but was going to cancel it. (Again, didn’t tell me you had an appointment.) You stated that it was a coincidence that you ran into her at Target at the exact same time you had an appointment with her.  This was only reinforced by the two other e-mails indicating that she was running late.
i don’t pack enough (house),	When this statement was made with Paul and Kim, I was referring to the understanding we had that I was responsible for packing the inside of the house, and you were responsible for packing the shed, your office, and your clothes.   This isn’t a “put down.”  This is a fact.  Sharing that with Paul and Kim wasn’t meant to slam you, it was a factual statement.  I don’t believe they took it as a slam to you. I do get frustrated when I am  walking around the house, putting things in boxes, moving boxes, etc. and you are sitting on the couch. I have not been good with expressing how I had hoped we would do this together.  I am afraid to ask you to help.
I don’t work enough,	I have never said you don’t work enough.  Do I think you could put more time into work?  I’m not sure.  The facts are that you don’t work a 40 hour week. You have told me many times that this is unusual for you and that you used to put in longer hours at work.  I don’t know enough about your business to know whether putting in longer hours would help you.  I do know that if I hadn’t made a house payment in almost a year, I would be searching for another way to make money.
Living off of her	I’m hoping you’re not living off of me.  I didn’t accuse you of that.  I stated, “Are you thinking that we are going to move to Florida and that I’m supposed to get a job so I can support the two of us while you find something to do?”  This does not mean that I think you are living off me right now.  It does refer to a fear that I have that you expect me to carry us while in Florida and doing retirement.  I brought you to my retirement meeting…you know exactly how much I’m going to get.  I know NOTHING about your contribution.  I have a right to be concerned.  I put my cards on the table.  You haven’t.
i don’t make enough money,	See above. I have no idea where your money is going.  I see you putting money in the bank, paying bills for your supplies, but I never see any money going into our “joint account.”  I thought this was supposed to be a partnership.  I have serious questions about your finances and you refuse to allow me any information.  You are a year behind on your mortgage payments yet I gave you $900.00 a month until August for my part of the rent. You have sold your motorcycle.  You sell other things…where did the money go?  I have taken over every joint expenditure except for T-mobile and your house payment. Something doesn’t add up.  Remember that I’m coming out of a relationship where I wasn’t told anything about our finances.  I told you I would not make that mistake again.  The fact that you withhold information about your finances makes me mistrust you.  Sorry, but that’s my experience in past relationships.  No information means something is wrong.  If you want me to stop asking questions about money, then open up your financial information.  Show me your credit reports, be honest.  Lying by deliberate omission is still lying. We are about to move into a house together.  You absolutely must share your finances with me.  This is non negotiable for me.
idea of florida is set up wrong	Yes.  Find a job first.  Then move down when financial stress will not play into what is already a difficult relationship.  Finances are the number one reasons couples argue.  Why set us up for failure?
i am paranoid,	Todd put something in your drink.  You had a blood test that proved inconclusive, but you didn’t tell me. Todd and I were doing something under the table at the Hollywood complex.  (By the way, you also are convinced that Todd and Deb were doing something.)  (Oh and, Mary was having an affair when she died, too.)  You accused me of meeting someone at the complex and making out with him while you were getting a drink.  You think that Greg and I must have something going because he showed up at the church, my parents stayed at the hotel near his work, I talked to him at the bar.  Someone messed with your brakes/tires.  When I was at home with my back, you questioned me numerous times about car tracks, videos, the length of time it would take for me to drive from one place to the next.  There are many other examples…you get the picture.
i am not selling my house right,	You are not selling your house at all.  There is no for sale sign out front.  There have been no visitors/realtors/etc.  You have no agreement set up with anyone.  There is NO evidence that you are selling the house.  You keep talking about one man wanting to buy the house, yet I don’t know his name, he hasn’t even visited the house.  You keep saying, “I’ll give him a call and set something up with him…”  You’ve been saying this for three months.  Nothing has happened.  It does not make any sense fiscally to put your eggs into one basket when you have nothing in print saying it will actually happen.
I don’t eat right now since she’s on a diet,	This is a fact.  Neither of us were eating right.  We had a diet that was way too high in fat and fried foods.  We both were probably drinking too much.  We are doing better.  I chose to go on a diet because I want to be healthy for us.  I’m tired of being incapacitated by my back.  I want to have fun again with you.  Losing weight is part of this.  I have told you repeatedly that you don’t look like you need to lose weight, but if it bothers you, as you say it does, simply drinking less and eating better would benefit you as well.
what I see is wrong ( todd her at bar, Ring,Divorce papers)	I’ve already addressed the Todd thing at the bar.  If you don’t believe me, then let’s get Todd here and deal with it in the open.  THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON BETWEEN YOUR BROTHER AND ME.  I am NOT interested in Todd.  I’ve already addressed the issue with the ring.  Countless times.  I was wrong.  I have already owned this one.  I put my children’s feelings before yours.  No need to keep throwing this in my face.  I should only have to admit my error and apologize once.  Regarding the divorce papers…not sure what you mean.  My divorce is between my ex and I.  When I was going through it three years ago, you were also dealing with your stuff from losing Mary.  We both needed to put closure on our past and needed to do that without bringing each other into it.  I listened to your suggestions about the divorce, but ultimately, the divorce was mine.  Our situation was unique.  Our dissolution was unique.  I have never hid the paperwork from you.  In fact, I told you exactly where it is.  Have at it.  Just remember that you weren’t a part of my marriage.  You only see the tip of the iceberg.  Let it go so I can move on.
I don’t see her way 100 percent of the time	Nope.  Nor should you.  Disagreeing should not be considered a sign of a bad relationship.  You and I are not going to see eye to eye on everything.  We are both first born children and we both think we are right.  We will always butt heads on things.  It’s the way we are made.  We have to work around this and we BOTH need to be humble and admit when we are wrong.
can’t post a picture right ty and myself and a sheriffs office member.	I never said you couldn’t post a picture of Ty.  I never even said you couldn’t post a picture of Mary.  I asked, “is that Mary in the picture on Serena?”  A question is not the same as saying, “you can’t.”  It’s called getting more information.  And I was not the only person who wondered if that was Mary…see the post.  I was totally within bounds by asking you.  Now, on the other hand, if I would have said, “Why did you put a picture of you and Mary on your facebook page?”  that would have been an accusation…
I am not active enough,	This is also a fact.  You and I aren’t active enough.  I love you and want you to be healthy.  There shouldn’t be anything wrong in telling you that you should be more active.  That’s a concern…not a criticism.
I don’t clean house the way she wants me to.	I have commented on house cleanliness.  So have you.  Isn’t that part of learning each other?  You tell me all the time if I forget to clean something (top of the refrigerator) or if I need to do a better job with something. (cleaning the shower more often.)  I listen.  I would hope you would do as well.
I don’t read like she thinks i should,	I have NEVER said I think you should read.