This is actually for Grant.  Did you know that he apologized on Facebook? He messaged me and Amber personally, asking for forgiveness. He followed that up with a very public apology to his Facebook friends and then attempted to set the record straight with truths. I wasn’t prepared for that as apologies, especially public ones, are a rarity in this day and age. I didn’t respond right away, but when I finally messaged him back, this is what I wrote:

Grant,

I hope you understand why I didn’t immediately respond to your message.  I am glad I didn’t because the quick response would have been made in immature anger.  I needed time to think about your apology and truly consider what forgiveness means.  You should know that I never do things spontaneously, but only with great thought and reflection.

I am writing this from an airplane on my way to San Diego.  Escaping, once again, the physical memories that have plagued me since Scott’s death.  I think it’s important for you to know what the last year has been like for me.  You will likely find many similarities between your own grieving experience and mine.  I write these not to make you feel bad, but to give you a realistic understanding of why forgiveness is such a difficult thing to grant.

I need you to understand one thing:  I loved Scott.  I never wanted him to die.  I never wanted him to leave, but his irrational, psychotic behavior was scaring me. Did you know that our counselor feared for my life?  That he so violently ended his life should be an indication that something wasn’t right in his beautiful, but sad mind.  People who knew Scott well, his parents, his daughter, his ex wives, his long-term friends, all responded the same way when I called, “Oh my God Kim, I thought he would kill you, too.”  Says something, doesn’t it?

You and the rest of the CRT circle saw the side of Scott that he wanted you to see.  I was always jealous of that.  You all got the best of him.  You all have peaceful last memories of Scott…hugs when you greeted him, or when you said good-bye.  His smile when he was riding his bike, happy memories of the last time you saw his face.

Mine is not like that.  I live with the horror of finding him in my garage every single second of every single day.  No one else experienced that, and I’ve never shared the details with anyone except for the police.  I started to watch the memorial on July 10th with everyone, but couldn’t stay with it.  My memories are different.  Seeing his face on everyone’s profile was incredibly painful.  I can’t light a candle in his memory because I DON’T WANT TO REMEMBER IT.

The PTSD he suffered, he passed on to me.  I am months into therapy, but I still can’t tame the paralyzing flashbacks, the night terrors, the nightmares.  

Thank God for the Suicide Survivors Support Group.  They were invaluable, and helped me to cope with the comments you put on your Facebook profile.  I had already read all the email and text correspondence between you and Scott on his cell phone, so I truly understand your anger towards me.  Please know that much of what he wrote/told about me was never true.  Amber and I talked often about wanting to meet with you to explain that his elaborate and untrue stories were a pattern with all his ex-wives, his daughter, his parents, and everyone that was close to him.  You clearly expressed that you did not wish to hear this.  I am hoping that if you are serious about forgiveness, that you will now be willing to explore the truth.  Please know that I have no wish to damage his reputation, only to help you understand that he was truly a very unstable and unhealthy man. 

And yet I still loved him.  And wanted him to get healthy.  I thought that was why I was placed in his life.  And I failed. I didn’t need to be reminded that I was “the one responsible for his death and that he would haunt me.”  Your words crushed me.  Your public statements buried me. My support group and my counselor both assured me, however, that statements such as yours are commonly made to suicide survivors. That made it a little easier to understand, but my anger towards you was still there.

OK….water under the bridge.  It has now been a year.  I am dealing with my feelings.  Ironically, I have forgiven Scott.  He had a serious mental illness, depression, PTSD, etc.  I understand that.  I have thought a lot about forgiving you.  I’ve read a lot about the act of forgiveness and I understand its importance for my own peace.  I am willing to talk to you and work towards forgiveness.  I can’t just wave a magic wand.  I’m far too introspective for that.  When I get back from San Diego, let’s try to set up a time to meet.  It would be great if Amber is there as well.  

Forgive the length of this response, but I wanted you to have all the information before we met.  I’m a quiet person and it’s easier for me to write what I want to say than actually say it.  You should know that I am trying to move on.  I have very happy moments!  I have a great relationship with my children and other family members now.  I have a new guy in my life who isn’t part of the Scott-drama and has been there to help me wade my way through this healing process.  He was actually the one who suggested that I write this, and meet with you.  He understands the nature of forgiveness far more than I do.

Time for me to go and put my toes in the California sand. I intend to put this behind me before I land so that I can TRY to have a few minutes/hours of time when I’m at peace.  In the meantime, thank you for your public apology.  It meant a lot to me.  Now let’s work on the forgiveness part.

Me