It’s been 10 weeks and 3 days. Your friend Grant posted a picture of Mary’s grave with a statement about your last visit and Mary being your only “real” love. I’m not sure why that bothered me so much.  It was a true statement.  Perhaps the thing that got under my skin was that I felt it was such a deliberate slap in the face.  I wouldn’t have known had it not been for someone else who is still connected to him on Facebook.  As you might have remembered, I actually unfriended Grant.  He is the first person that I have ever unfriended.  

I have thought a lot about your friends and particularly Grant.  I am angry about the Kim you portrayed me to be.  Some of it was accurate, most of it was not. Either way, Grant has suddenly become your mouthpiece from the dead.  I find it interesting because you really never seemed to like him that much. You constantly told me stories (probably not true) about him and the various women in his life.  I wonder how he would feel if he knew what you told me?  I wonder if he would continue to defend you?  I wonder if he would continue to blame me.

Saturday was difficult.  Your daughter set up a team “Da Banana” at the Out of Darkness suicide walk.  I did not want to go.  Yet I picked up my personal support system (Jan) and grabbed Toby, who probably deserved more than most to attend, and drove into the city. I knew that several of the bike club members were going to be there and I wasn’t sure what kind of reaction I would receive.  Steve and Tim awkwardly hugged me, but their wives overtly ignored me. After you died, I not only became anonymous, and to some, even repulsive. This is probably what you hoped for, planned for…

I think the hardest part of the walk was the glorification of suicide victims.  The glorification of YOU. I had to walk away.  Your actions gave you god-like status, and I knew otherwise.  I wondered if that was true for other families who were walking.  I wore red beads. That was the color for partners or spouses. I noticed there were few people with red beads. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was because partners and spouses have a difficult time with the objectification of their victims.  It’s hard to walk around wearing a t-shirt with your spouse’s face across your chest when you are still dealing with abuse, terror, anger, lies, financial deficits, funeral details, abandonment.  Never forget, we are the inner circle and we see you for who you really are.  Or really…we SAW you for who you WERE.